I told myself I wouldn’t do this but…
These past weeks have been hard. I’m back at home and have no friends around me. I don’t yet have a spiritual mentor here, and I’m still looking for a church family. Feeling the pangs of loneliness, I have been checking out dating websites because…well, I wonder what’s it like to date. An innocent curiosity. But I do it in secret, and no one knows that I am clicking like on guys’ profile pics. Isn’t that something? For something so simple as going on a dating website, something that many others do everyday without any worry, with hopes and dreams of one day meeting the one, for something like that to be a source of shame and secrecy for me. I can only keep asking the question: why? Why do I have to feel ashamed of my attractions? Why can’t I experience something like eros?
For years I have had to put up with the constant questions of, “When are you going to get married?” or “Have you found a girlfriend yet?” with a smile and nod saying, “Maybe” or “I’m just fine living the single life.” All the while inside I have to fight off the depression that such questions, which are like daggers to my heart and mind, inevitably bring. I must conjure and create the illusion that I chose to be single, when in reality I want nothing more than to live out all of the songs of romance and love that countless others experience. But it’s ok, right? My soul has become calloused and hard like scales. Years of pain and sorrow has built an armored shell.
But even the toughest shells wear down over time.
My heart hurts, guys. I ache. I long to know the suns and stars of eros. Long to explore its waters. I long for the physical affection of someone who I could truly call mine. I have never kissed someone else before. What is that like? What is it like to explore one’s inclined sexuality? I have never flirted with someone else before. I have trained myself not to. Isn’t that funny? Or maybe it’s sad. I have barred myself from staring into someone else’s eyes. What is it like to just be with someone, to have someone see you in all moments of your life, to see your soul for what it is? What is it like for such a relationship to bloom and grow? I’m tired of tasting the fumes and smoke of love. I want the fire itself. Why do I have to look away from people I feel attracted to? Why do I have to put on a mask of steel, never showing my true emotions, always being guarded? What does it feel like to let the mask fall? What does it feel like to be utterly consumed with passion for another being, and for that passion to be returned? What does it feel like to be embraced by someone who sees the inner most depths of who you are? To never know this, I feel, is somewhat of a tragedy.
Perhaps I am mistaken. Perhaps all of this really is overrated, that I’m making too much of a big deal. But the pain, brothers…the pain feels so real. Years and years of carrying this burden, and much of the time alone. I keep asking the question: why do I have to bear this burden? I mean…guys, it’s so heavy. I’m so tired.
Please pray for me.
“How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” Psalm 13:2