At the Gottman Institute they bring couples in and watch them talk to one another. Researchers study the content of the conversations and then track how the relationships fare over time.
So what did the successful couples talk about? Did they discuss happy things? Did they resolve problems? Did they talk about things they had in common? Turns out successful couples discuss…
The same boring crap everyone does. There was nothing special at all about the content of their conversations. So what gives?
This is what led to a big discovery by Gottman. The content doesn't matter. What mattered was what they weren't saying — what was beneath the words. And whether their partner was paying attention, being responsive, and being supportive.